I'll still believe

Fri (24/6/2005)

Today was the EYF finale..... It was at Changi chalet.. During the chalet , we shared with the rest of the yfers on what we had learnt and grown in EYF. I also shared my personal testimonial on how i had grown . The word "crave" is indeed a strong word .... It is our deepest longing ! So we were at the chalet hearing from one another and testifying on the truth we have being abiding and guarding ourselves at EYF. At the same time , also having some fun in fruit groups, blindfolding and trying to save our feets from the ketcup trap on the ground. The whole session ended around 10.45pm... it was very late infact coz we had to get out from changi and there was only one bus going to the Tampines bus interchange..so those were gng hme .. left out together .. but upon reaching tampines bus int. the last direct bus to my place had left .. so had to find an alternative way to get hme .. Luckily , there was bus 23 that we could take and alight somewhere nearer hme and take a feeder service. Save all the surcharge fares if we taking a cab hme .. coz it was midnight already!

I really thank God for providing our needs and a good time of fellowship!

threw her kisses ;12:55 AM

Thurs (23/6/2005)

Today is Azeena's burfdae. I am such a bad friend , i forgot today was her day till in the evening , i bumped into my calender.... It screamed 23 JUNE , THURSDAY! I felt so bad ... I quickly picked my receiver and called her . The moment i called her , she was quick to know it was me , maybe she must have been eagerly waiitng for my call. She is one of my bestie back from secondary school. But she was so nice , to say that the thought that counts! Aniwaez , i will make it up to her after my mid-yr exams ... Surprise ! Surprise! Hopefully , it can be another stc khakis gathering! I can't wait to meet those peeps , it was so fun the last tyme we met ... Need to take more pics n neoprints.. I still can't forget my dear friend was so into posing for the camera .. she lose her balance off the beam n dropped backwards . I was there standing laffing .. i wuldn't even ask her if she needed help ... I was just laffing away .. it was really funny .. Even as i type tis entry ... i am laffing... Srry ! Can't wait for the next gathering... Must have one real soon! Btw , shalini is also coming back to Singapore for a short holiday .. She is coming back during my mid-yr so i can onli meet her after my exams . I have already booked out the 14 n 15 July ... Both the days are yours , girl... I really miss her . Especially lately , we haven't being chatting .. she is busy with schoolwork and upcoming tests . I am really looking forward to it! I better be concentrating on my studies too ... dun be distracted by all this gathering and all. These are all temptations ! Finally , cleared my desk ... it is now clean .. ready for studying ... Yups , study ! study! study! Thankfully , i have another 2 wks before mid-yr .. Intense intense revision . Most probably , I will stay behind at libarary to study ... Need the intense atmosphere... Home is a No-NO! Too much distractions.. I will be very much settled to procasinate with all the comfort of my computer , tv , bed n my wildness at home. Im totally hyperactive at hme , i will be running ard the hse like a animal on the loose and get myself into fights with my sis. Lolz... Hmmm.. Today , was the EYF , night invasion @ sentosa .. I wanted to go for it very badly . Bt i decided not to go for it , it wasn't that my parents din allow . I din even ask them abt it . I din wanna go for it , coz i knew deep down my purpose of going is really wrong . I wanted to play and have fun , it was my movtivation for going . So i decided to not go , i dunnoe if i was wrong to make decision for not going bt i knew i had to starve myself from this wrong purpose so i will learn to crave for the ultimate purpose to please God! Even as i was at home , i struggled at the thought of the night invasion , i was distracted ... My mind was wondering away .. I wanted the fun especially when tis week is the last week of holidays ... I want to pamper myself... This is all the excuses I give to myself when i want to pamper my flesh. But i must learn to say "NO!". Okies... So today was study study study .... STUDYING IS GOOD!

threw her kisses ;11:52 PM

Wed (22/6/2005)
Today , i had to go back school for pw meeting... we were suppose to meet at 9am ... Bt punctuality always fail .. i was in school at 0845h... my grp memebers started coming in only after 0915h. We , got settled down and worked on our pw discusionb .. awhile , laters Mrs Wee came n joined us in the discussion accompanied by her two cubs( her children). One of her cub was very guai while the other was so restless ... always wanting to break free from her holds and run free under the canteen tables.. So amusing... hahhaa .. I was totally distracted.. Keep on looking at the restless cub... hahaha .. He was a hardy boy .. during the discussion i dun noe how many tymes he hit his head against the table. He was totally restless.... Today , we just discussed on our progress in the projectwork and that was all abt it . After which i head down to Nee Ann Poly to get my digicam back frm my cuz. So i thot why dun i meet one of my other fren who is also studying there . So i called En Yi , and met her while i waited for my cuz. En yi brought me to her school library cafe and i surfed the net while i waited for my cuz.. Shortwhile laterz , my cuz came and i left with her ; and i left for Tampines. I wanted to check out
Tampines. It was being awhile since i went there, walked along the malls and looked at all the bargains. Nothing interesting! Nothing amusing! Awhile laterz , i received a sms from my friend , Nad... I was suppose to meet her . I practically forgot abt it. Bt she insisted on meeting me yesterday. So i invited her home. Hahaha ... We were toking abt all the guys in our lives! Lust of the eyes .... My mum must have freaked out ! Nad is my wild imagination partner... Both of us get together , it is no-good for both of us! Lalalalala.... Awwwwww...... my body aches... Early nitez againz!

threw her kisses ;9:11 PM

Tues(21/6/2005)

Today , was the second session of the BBC time. Attendance is poor . Every session of BBC only 1 memember turns up . The attendance is really worrying . It makes me wonder whether people really choose not to come after knowing it is the time of sharing . They mite as well be enaged in some games where they are playing and having fun. Hopefully , this will not be the reason for their absence. Sumtymes , I also struggle with this bt i understood by craving and wanting more i enjoy the personal fellowship.I felt that even as deeper with look into the verses , we are revealed to much greater things in regards to our attitude and mind. The BBC time is teaching me to grow and abide in Him. The role of researcher also makes it even more exciting and spurs me to look beyond so i can share with my group of the revelation of the Word. After BBC time , it was "JOURNEY TO THE WEST!".... We had met up 3 friends . I really thankful that we had cross path with these friends. They were really attentive . We also invited two of the friends for the musical; we will have to be persistent in inviting them . After , 1hr in the streets .. we head down to Clementi Sports Hall to sweat it out! 2hrs of solid Badminton ! The moment of game was great... Badminton and me are worlds apart ..... I dun noe how to serve! So, wen i am in the courts , i am focusing on hitting it . Once , it falls to the ground , i feel so fustrated coz i need to practise serving.I felt i was stubborn at certain point in the game ... especially wen i was suppose to serve. I choose to do it the wrong way rather than the right way, coz i felt burdensome. Yups! This was my Tuesday! Back home , i was drowned in the goggle box coz i was tired and my body ached.... feeling little feverish ... Early nite!

threw her kisses ;11:13 PM

Sun (19/6/2005)

Today is Father's day! I haven't wished my dad even as I type this entry. I can never openly say.. Aniwaez, I wanted to do this entry coz I find myself strugglin with this feeling of envious in my heart. I am feeling little envious of this friend. Bt it is really bo liao to be envious over her. I feel threatened by her. I dunnoe why also, maybe my secrets she knows. She is so observant; watching over me and him so closely. Sometimes, i wonder why did i even tell her and why she must be so observant to tell me or I shld just tell her not to speak abt it to me again coz it is affecting me.I want to save myself; i dun want to be judged by others. Am I over-reacting? I dunnoe. I am self-conscious! I want to be alone and not to be observed ....Leave Me Alone .. it screams in my head! I am struggling.. hopefully i can think of creative ways to approach her so that my friendship with her will not be affected and I am able to tell her of my struggles; and plus i can be a good testimony to her. I am also habouring fustration, i feel abit rejected. Actually, my fault , i gave them the assurance it was okay with me that they they can go ahead, so they carried on, i could have openly told them, we postpone it to later day, they wuld have agreed. So I feel this anger is invalid.... Feelings are ragin with jealousy and fustration !!!

threw her kisses ;11:14 PM

Sat (18/6/2005)

I shall update on some of the happenings in the previous week:-

Thurs
On thursday , my fever had gone down , so decided to make a trip down to my grandparents place to visit my grandpa. He had a mild heart attack on the day ; i had gone for my camp. Thankfully , I wasn't called back frm camp and he was also copin well in hospital. He was back home from hospital bt he needs to re-ward himself on sun for his bypass operation the next day.He was seen to be copin well bt his blockages are quite severe. So the doctors had advised him to undergo bypass operation bt there are some risks involved he might suffer kidney failure or even mild stroke because his condition is little worrying because of his physical and mental health. So basically, this is the current health status of my grandpa. I saw my cute darling , priya. The girl had grown both ways.. Meano me .. I can't carry her already.. So sad! Okies, I better nt overly exaggerate .. can carry bt later i can feel my body aches . She is solid 32kg sumo wrestler. She is ever so adorable . Watching my favourite cartoon - Spongebox squarepants n giggling to herself .. she was hovering behind my dad . Hahaha .. she wanted to pair -up with my dad and do some dancing . She taught some dancing to my mum .. hahaha .. peacock-dance... my mum is so naughty , she keeps on disturbing the little soul and i also joined my mum meano me. Poor thing! While dancing , she scratched herself and she was in great pain . The Handy Dandy plaster was needed bt the saver for the day was the "POWDER"!
THIS WAS THURSDAY!

Fri

I attended my maths tuition exactly after 15 days . Today , had to meet my artoo grp in the afternoon for our sponteous BBC time because we had missed the BBC time on Tuesday.We had decided to have our discussion in the front of the Fullerton Hotel facing the Singapore River. While there , the area was blocked out for the National Day Decoration. There were army personals in the area . The discussion was little distracted by the movement. We decided to move up to esplanade roof top garden to continue. While at the roof top , ndp practise planes were hovering in the sky . We had a early advance ndp preview. It felt so great bt the dicussion was disrupted. Can you imagine I was sharing the word? I felt inadequate bt thankfully i had Priscilla to hlp me along. The sharing of the word went well bt we were still short of time and plus nt all the artoo members won't be there except for Madelyn. Aniwae , i felt it was a good start for me . I din struggle much as i expected to , maybe coz i wuld relate to the topic "FLESHLY DESIRES". After our sponteous outing , we decided to head down to the GoForth Mission Conference. The speaker shared with us the mindset of the people ; many adopt the idea of Universalism and their final destination is the same; but clearly , it is said "He is the Only Way and the Truth!"It was my first time at such a mission conference, it was great to see so
many people gathered to hear n praise.

Sat

Today , the day started off really early . I had to meet up with Priscilla to work on my abmoeba, which i had delayed till the very last day. One of my bad bad habits , procasination. I managed only to list down some of the prominent character and behaviour of mine . But i had not looked into it deeply yet. I better be doing it soon and need to work out my health measures if not i will be found to be straying away from the purple man life and found to comfortably resting in my green man life. Need to show urgency and work it out real soon !!!!!!! During eyf , today we looked back to understand that we are not of this world and we shldn't conform to this world. We are aliens in this world but the choosen people in Heaven ! We are also discovered that " He is the Vine. We are the Branches." We are to abide in Him to bear fruits. Later at fdn , had to gulp down celery juice mixed with little lemon juice. I cldn't do it. I tried to gulp it all down in one gulp. But it refused to go down my throat. The taste was really bad.It was a structured experience. We moved on to discuss our health measures, which i had obviously hadn't thought of. So we just shared our amoeba . Really need to work out this with fear and trembling , so i will be careful to handle it. Later , we had yf ... we looked into purity. I am very sure nowdays youth dun really seem to know purity and myself found the session very much refreshing. Looking forward to next week session. After yf , met with my qcp , we were looking at our invitation list for the musical on 27th Aug. As i look into my invitation list , i pray that i will not be selective in my invitation bt open it to all and be persistent in my invitation. The final meeting for the day , the planning for the nxt BBC tyme on coming thurs. We looked back into the Word and evaluated how we have grown and what measures we want to adopt so we will continue to hunger and thirst...

I give thanks to God for the deliverance of the days.

threw her kisses ;11:32 PM

Wed(15/6/2005)

Guys! I am back from my first-ever church camp on Sat. The whole experience was totally different .The whole atmosphere was so intense. I need to be frank here , at certain tyme in the day , i really felt like packin my stuffz and leaving home .. Hahaha .. It was intense intense .. Thankfully , the whole camp was in Singapore that i would even entertain such thoughts. But i felt the intensity was good because knowing of my nature of procasination. I will never understand the urgency if they hadn't set the intensity. I even struggled during meal tymes , I dreaded every meal tymes , coz there were too little breaks in between meal tymes. I felt the food had not digested, bloated feeling. But i need to be thankful , even though , my appettite was poor , the meals were really good that i can have my meals and complete them. This was one of my great struggles.Hahaha .. i remember Bao Ling had me to say thanks for my meals ... Hahahha .. I struggled. When night fall , another struggle set in .. I struggled to tuck myself into bed. I was forced by Bao Ling to lay horizontal in bed by the tyme , she comes in . But , it never works . I see her ; i just smile smile away ..guilt-driven .. bt i din care much.. till she really meant wad she had said... sorry. I know i shld have acted responsible bt then i still struggle. I remember tuckin in my bed and into my sleepin bag; trying to steal glimpses of light from the corridor to have some tyme to consolidate my thoughts and have tyme of reflection.After a short while , i stared blankly into the ceiling and kept zipping and unzipping myself frm the sleeping bag. I struggled to sleep .. even i had to think of ways to force me into sleep. The final straw , I zipped my whole self into the sleeping bag, i think the lack of oxygen in the sleeping bag made me feel fatigue and made me fall asleep. I am so thankful , for the focused mind i had the nxt day , i was still awake and able to think. I was able to press on ! The whole camp was great. I walked in as the green man and now and every moment i am walking as the purple man who looks forward "today and that day".There are many responses i have to make for myself , i ask and seek Him as i learn to response to His calling.

Okies.. days after the camp ... 12/6/2005... Today was my mum's burfdae ... went out as a family after really sometime... went to police academy.. it was the police carinval.. every year.. the interest of mine will always be the gurukhas... bt then this yr was so different .. i din even think abt it.. till my mum mentioned how come there ain't any gurukhas community.. they were very sparse.. It showed this were very temporal . This yr , i tried some archery in the carnival , my arm strength is really very weak. Need to do push up...push up... Hmmm...laters out after some family tyme.. i was struggling to even to know what were the things were significant to me.Many things were said .. bt all revolved ard the creator.. The calling was great. It asked for a sweet surrender. The life of Rachel Joy Scott was an exemplory to today's modern world of living . All her struggles and temptations i would identify.I want to uphold the life of the purple man in me. I WANT TO BE NEW !

13/6/2005-15/6/2005

The past few days had been a struggle .. My physical being had failed.. i am down with fever and my whole being is chaotic.. Struggles to stay away frm bed. Long hrs are spent in bed.I pray for speedy recovery and im so thankful for the rest coz i do need some breather before i can continue.. this is all in the plan.

I kneel in thanksgiving :)

threw her kisses ;7:39 PM

Sun (5/6/2005)

Today , i was reading the extracts from the book " rachel tears". I really am inspired and amazed in the life of rachel . I admire her frankness and openess in her struggles and temptations as she comes to feet of her creator and cry out . I desire for openess and frankness in coming before and puttin my anxieties unto Him. Sadly , this is one of my greatest struggles. Suprisingly, i neva struggle wen it comes to my blue pillow , i can just lie on it .. my tears stream down .. wetting it ... my head lies on it .. the comfort i feel can neva be expressed.. I pray for myself i can come clean of my struggles and temptations so i can enjoy an intimate relationship. I can't wait to read the book " Rachel tears!"... I am gonna invest the book!

threw her kisses ;9:35 PM

Wed (1/6/2005)

Hols have started. Its the third day of hols, time is really gng really fast. I need to settle down quickly to hit my books and notes..Need to study study... Need to work my grades.. Need to quickly settle down.. God help me to be a good steward of time.

Today, was the launch of alien invasion.. fully inspired star wars.. ARTOO!!! tititi..... "Above all love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling." 1 Peter 4 :8-9

The day was indeed great. In the morning. I was an aspiring cheerleader , later in the day , a trekker and then a warrior. I am so dead-beat now! Now, I will be the baby!

Hahahahah , now my wrong desires. I had my close walk with him. Heyz , i want ya to be my companion not ya bag! You meano! How can you pair me up wif him since i get along wif him and stop laughing over my folly! Anywayz , I love ya!

threw her kisses ;11:49 PM