I'll still believe

I totally give up on planning to meet people over food and for some fun. Its damn tedious. It is really discouraging and upsetting when the response is really poor. I really beginning to dislike the idea about meeting up . It is really straining me and making my excitement fade over the meeting up but making it one of dreadfulness. I simply hate it. I totally giving up on meeting people. People learn to compromise , I know sometimes it is difficult . But not always . Hiaz.

threw her kisses ;8:52 PM

I am so happy today. I like finally met my darling, Shalu after like a month plus. The last time, I met her was at her birthday and at place for her housewarming. So that was really long. It was fun meeting her. We had lunch together at Thai Express. The food was okay but I liked her Olive Rice, my Seafood Laska was little too spicy for me. Hehehe. Then, we walked over to Suntec City. I was looking for shorts. I found some nice shorts but I am still considering whether I should buy them over FBT shorts. I have a fetish for FBT shorts. Then, we went by plan, to have our desert at Bens & Jerry. I love their ice-cream. I am A Choc Fan. I ordered all the choc flavours. It was a satisfying scoop to my cravings. Hehehe. Shalu tried some other flavours, mango and some Irish flavoured ice cream. It was good also. I tasted her food the whole day. She was exposing me to new flavours. Good job. I liked every single food, I was exposed to. Next time , I shall try it again. It was all about food galore . Then, we travelled down to town. It had started raining once we were in town . My movements were kind of restricted. I wore a stupid slipper which was damn slippery on the ground . I had nearly 5 attempts of embrassing myself and falling on the pavement of Orchard. Thankfully , I had my saviour , Shalu . I just pity her arms. I am sorry if it happens to ache the very next day . If it does , give me a call , I come down to massage for me. Hehehehe . Yay , we finally took some neoprints together after a long time. I love taking neoprints with her . We always look good because she makes me look good. We walked the stretch of orchard with me holding unto her. Luv ya truckloads <3.

threw her kisses ;11:57 PM

Okies. Common test is finally over . Like I have said previously it is screwed. I really mean its screwed. I am really looking forward to the mid-year . It will be my benchmark. No more disppointments and excuses. So celebrations begin. No school for the next two days.

Today , I met with my CD for my patch from last week and followed by BL and my CD , they both had treated me to dinner at Sakae Sushi in conjuction to my birthday. A big thank you . I was quite taken back when BL , asked if i was attached or interested in any guy . I simply diverted away from her question and never answer it. Hopefully , she will not ask me about it anytime soon. I had a really good time with them. A good start for celebration.

Tommorrow , i can't wait............... excitement.... * Screams with excitement *

threw her kisses ;11:19 PM

Okies.. I have not been blogging for the past few days . I am really sorry about it. Its just the common test week and I am trying to refrain from my computer and really do some studying . But somehow , I can't resist it as much as I like to . Its damn addictive . I got really some serious problem , which i hope to deal with by these coming few weeks and months. Nothing serious for others to worry . It is simply my own addiction. Maybe I should be really honest with my addiction. I will do the necessary reflection after my common test which is like tommorrow.

Okies, little update on how was my common test have been so far. I guess its really screwed , last minute studying is really a no- no for the A- level sybullus. But guess what! I just did it. Hurhur.. Anyways .. Countdown for mid year starts now 98 days as of today. So better be planning and studying for the mid-yrs. A sad goodbye to my 10% component from the common test. Tommorrow , will be the last paper for the common test . So I hoping to go out and do some shopping. Hopefully , I can get my havinanas sandals and I am finally gonna be meeting my darlings. Great ah? Luving this week .....

threw her kisses ;11:30 AM

I stayed home today and I managed to do a fair bit of studying. But still there is alot more to cover . Damn. So little time and yet I am still online blogging. I am really addicted to this. Damn. I am really screwed. Hurhur . I skipped today . I reported sick . Boooo. Looks like I have some patch up to cover in the following week .

threw her kisses ;10:41 PM

Damn. Common test is like next week. And I have just started studying. Damn. So little time and I am still slacking in the midst of this race of time. A Big Boo to me . BOOOOOO!!!!!!! Damn. Got to discipline myself to study at least for the next few days. Before, I can get to go out and enjoy with my darlings.

Talking out going out with some. I totally GIVE UP! Damn! Frustrating. I am free on Thursday and Friday. I got no school because I end my papers by Wednesday. So just letting you guys know, I will be free morning till evening on both days. So just ask me out!

Okies for now, I need to be focus and strict with my allowance of time and make every single moment accounted for in my studies. Last few laps… I better be pacing and studying … Bye…

threw her kisses ;9:57 AM

Second day of term 2 . I hate chemistry practical especially this particular practical. It was damn messy and not clear till i was at the verge of breaking down. Damn. I hate it .

threw her kisses ;5:53 AM

Yeah .. Im finally 20. Though I do not like much of turning 20. I have to accept reality . I just grew older. Now , I am 20. Sweet goodbyes to teen years. I really hope to have a pleasant adulthood . With as much of happiness and joy.

I shall update on how my b'dae celebration for today . Firstly, this morning , I did nothing much , basically answering calls and watching Kal Ho Naa Ho. I simply love the movie . It is damn touching and the songs in the movie is thumbs up. I have watched the movie almost ten over times and yet i do not get bored. I simply love it. Then ard noon , i started getting ready for my fdn class. I din know a pleasant surprise was awaiting me , my mortal decided to do a surprise b'dae bash. I had to hop up a flight of steps , and when I finally reached , the whole fdn class just sang b'dae song. I was quite touched and paiseh alittle. The whole attention was on me. Hahaha .. then I had to eat up 20 french fries symbolic to my age . The french fries was my b'dae cake. Quite creative. Thank you , to my fellow fdn class and to my dearest mortal . I also finally received a letter from my mortal. Yay! Then laterz after yf , my qcp had combined with another qcp and celebrated my b'dae. I was sabotaged again. This time , I was blindfolded , made to walk a distance and turned around quite a number of times till i was little dizzy . Then they left me alone still blindfolded and made to find my qcp members . It was really tough finding them , they were hiding from me and i do not dare stretch out my hands to feel around me because I feel there many others around... It was really fustrating and tiring , and confusing when everyone just speaks saying guess who i am and all . I just do not know and i just squat down , giving up. Then finally they released me from my misery . Then the whole qcp , gathered with a box full of fresh durians , with two candles on it and the b'dae song was sang again . And I was made to share 20 things that i am thankful for but I got it reduced to 6 things because i found it really difficult to think at the spot and my qcp members helped me fill the rest of the thanksgiving. And we indulge ourselves in the durian. It was really good. It was fresh and taste really good. Yummilicious.

My qcp presented me a Heart of Worship CD. They want me to have a life filled with worship to God , which reminds me on today's session on True worship . I really hope to have a life that is christ-directed but I am struggling to let go of my self -directed life. Teach me O'lord to struggle with the self-directed life that I eventually will reach to a life that is christ-directed life. It was a indeed a good reminder to my worship. Thank you, guys! And , jia-en handed me a packet of chocolates. I love cholocates and it was the best . A packet full of rich creamy chocolates. Great indulgence today. The day , did not seem bad at all , as i expected . And I eventually celebrated with my qcp , though i was relcutant to celebrate. I had a good time minus the sabotage . Back at home , my mum cooked me my favourite dishes and baked me a cake. I love my mummy and my family .

I have been indulging in alot of good food today. I thank God , for the food and for the day. Thank you. I love all my darlings and him . You, guys simply made my days great , though my darlings weren't around. I loved my day. I still want to have my day with you guys. Fix a day ! Okies.

Oops. How can I forget , my grandfather had came over to my place to give me hong bao and my aunt high-tech sia , she keyed in the amount to my atm. Hahaha .. if anyone wants to key in amount to my atm. Ask me for my account. Hehehehe .. Thick-skin.

Love ya all ....<3

threw her kisses ;9:43 PM

HAPPY 20 th BIRTHDAY !

Thank you , guys for all the greetings. Wow , turning 20 din't seem really bad just as yet. Maybe I was just paranoid. But I still am. I want to be forever 16 la. So whoever reads my post , treat me as 16 okies. I love being 16 . I think the age is just right. Not too young and not too old. I just love the age. Sweet 16 . Thank you , guys for the best wishes and greetings.

My last few moments of 19 was bad , but my darling was there to hear me out and make things better even if I turned 20. I love yas. I can imagine how my big day today would have been runied because of my foul mood. I really hope the day will great .

threw her kisses ;10:08 AM

One thing that I hate most is if I confide to someone; I really hope the matter will be between the person and me not going to others’ ears. Even if you feel helpless about not being able to help, it’s really alright with me. I just expect it to be within us. I am thankful for the listening ears. I really can’t stand it when the matter gets simply passed around to many. I really feel insecure and it does not help me much. It will make me turn a cold shoulder towards you and the others who suddenly start showing concern. I ain’t attention –seeking but sometimes I just need to talk to someone on what is really bothering me. If the someone is you, it really means a lot because I treasure you a lot and decide to confide in. So it’s all about the mutual trust, I am speaking. I can’t stand it when many start bombarding me and asking me questions. It’s really dreadful to keep repeating myself. I guess I will just learn to keep things to myself from now on. I will sure tell my darlings. So you guys need not worry. This post is only going to a handful of people who are trying so hard to impact my life. Whatever. I sometimes feel really irritated with their over concern and sometimes make me wonder if they really have life outside instead of just bothering me with all the activities . Sometimes it just gets too much and I hope you will draw the lines. I am tired of being nice to accommodate . I am really sorry if I had being rude or my attitude stinks. I can’t tolerate all these nonsense , it makes really agitated . It spoils my day especially when I am out with friends having fun , a sms just comes in asking if I am free . I do reply , saying I am not free. You go , why ain’t I free? Having holidays right? What bullshit? I have other things and my life isn’t yours to judge . You do not need to help me with my time. I have my own say over my own time. So just leave me when I say I ain’t free. I am not free seriously.

threw her kisses ;5:28 PM

I was wondering if a genie were to appear and ask for 3 wishes I want . After much thinking through I want these three wishes to be fullfullied.

1. Good Health to my loved ones and friends

2. Abundance of Happiness around me , family and friends.

3. If possible , ask for another 3 wishes or more , if not I settle for a decent and humble wish ,
a million dollar .

I found these wishes of mine seemed rather simple . I ain't asking for more . Maybe the last wish a million dollar , might be too huge. Hello ! We are staying in Singapore. Cost of Living is high. I need $$$ to support my lifestyle . Justified???? Hahahaa ....

threw her kisses ;9:27 AM

I ain’t feeling too good. I am not sick or whatsoever. I am just not feeling too good as in feeling. I feel so fearful and worried. As I think through this feeling, tears are already welling up in my eyes. All I want to say . I love my family and all my darlings. Goodnyte. I want to sleep , hoping tomorrow will be a fine day.

Today , was my Grandpa’s Birthday. So we went over to his place and bought him a polo t-shirt and a pkt of nuggets , coz he liked the nuggets the other time my mum fried at my home. He damn cute la , he cut his own cake and sang his own birthday song . Happy Birthday , Grandpa. I love my grandfather <3 .

threw her kisses ;10:32 PM

I just got home from my short trip to Johor Bharu. Infact , we just went to City Square shopping centre. We did not do much shopping just walked around and looked at the items on sale . Nothing worth paying. Somehow , my sis was the highest spender for the day. I shan't be so bad , i bought some stuffs also. I bought a capiri cap and shades . And some colours for my nail and a dangly hearts for my handphone. I am tired now . I can't think much of what I want to blog. But it was fun , walking the mall with my mum and sis . We were crapping, plenty of jokes shared. Dirty ones also. Sheesh. It was fun. I love my family. Oh yeah , finally, satisfied my craving foy yammi yoghurt. Good nyte. I'm loving today.

threw her kisses ;9:06 PM

Woots! I finally have a tame hair for aleast a few months. Isn't that great? Lets rejoice together. Goodbye to the bad hair day ! But somehow , I do not like my new hairstyle , the hair seems to creating a centre-parting . So ugly. Hopefully , i can set my hair after I wash my hair . I am so hard to be pleased . Hiaz . I spent almost 4 hrs in the saloon for my newly rebonded hair. It smells so chemical . I so badly need to wash it . But have to wait aleast a day . Sighz!

Okies, people if you do not see me online tonight , dun miss me because I have gone bed early. I am tired and my head hurts because of the chemical smell. Damn. I got to go work now. Immediately after work , I am going to be sleeping. Tomorrow , I am going Malaysia , Johor Bharu. Yay! excitement. Retail therapy

Oh yeah . I am still contemplating on how I want to celebrate my day but I do not want to spend it with some people particularly some people who have been irritating me . No offence. They are my church friends. I am irritated by their over concern . Its damn insincere and fake. Okies. They seem to be planning something , but I do not want to spend it with you people. Im sorry. I want my darlings and my family.

threw her kisses ;7:18 PM

I love the socks !!!! Loves .................

Today is the start of the March Holidays officially. But I had to return back to school for make-up physical geography lecture. It was supposed to be lasting for estimate two hours but he managed to cover it in less than 1 ½ hr. Thankfully, it wasn’t so draggy; managed to understand and follow the lecture.

After lecture, met with Sam at Tiong Bharu to do some self-studying, managed to cover a fair bit of my reading and understanding of organic chemistry. I feel so saturated now.

Then left for town, to check out the arrivals. Damn pissed. They did not inform of the arrival and now I have to wait longer because the first arrival is all sold out. The second arrival is like in one-two weeks. Damn pissed. I was hoping to get it as soon as possible, and now it seems impossible. Then, we went PS to check out the roxy wallets, they are now in discounted prices. But sadly, Sam can’t find her kind there. And if she did find, it wasn’t worth paying that much. Then, we went City link to check out there also. But, it wasn’t there also. Damn irritated and annoyed.

On the happier note, me and Sam, bought a pair of socks, we exchanged the colours purple and orange with two balls at the back of the socks. It’s cute. But, Sam hesitating to wear it. But I dun mind wearing it. Wear lehz! Its normal, need not paiseh! Hahaha

Oh yeah... I am so pissed about people calling to meet them in the week. If I had declined meeting you saying I am busy. I really mean I am busy. It doesn’t matter if I having holidays or not. The holidays don’t mean I am free and able to accommodate any meeting. I have got my own social life, so please get the message and leave me alone. If you keep irritating me with those requests; it makes me more not willing and obliged to meet you. Get it! So leave me alone. I am not in good mood. So just leave me alone. Damn!

threw her kisses ;9:40 PM

I am getting really fascinated with toys lately. I love all the cute and small toys. Can u imagine? I bought a Happy Meal today simply for the toys that comes along with it. Haha… Do not laugh at me okies! I know I am behaving like a child. I simply do not wish to grow up yet. So dun force me to grow, I will not grow up till I had enough for it ; which I guess I will not. Being young and behaving young, is so much happiness. All matters is me feeling happy and others around me feeling happy. Happy And Carefree Life is all I want and desire. My kingdoms will the Kingdom of Happiness.

I am happy for my friend , she is learning to take things well and I will continue praying for her in the weeks , months, years , she will need all the prayers and all the encouragement I can give her . I really love you lots . I am sometimes very bad but you proved me otherwise ; you remembered me . Thank you , darling! I love all my darlings.

threw her kisses ;6:58 PM

Today was the second session on MOL. As we look into it week after week. God is indeed showing more and more of his revelation of His Love. And God sure does know his people , we indeed find it so superifical to love one another because it does not come so natural to love one another and this indeed show how fallen we are in His glory . Initially its unnatural but ultimately natural.

threw her kisses ;6:07 PM

Today , I did not have to go school ; all because I had myself exempted from the whole Fun Day. But I must recall last yr's Fun Day , it was really good ; running around Sentosa as a class with our home tutor leading the class. It was sure fun . Posing as Sly to the public and doing a kallang wave facing a passing monrail , having faces painted with paint . It was so sure fun but somehow the fun wasn't going to be same this yr coz my friends are no longer there . But it was the Fun Day , we bonded we clicked. But yet , I find it so different.

So , as I rest at home ; I was getting really agiated and fustrated because I am so hungry and yet there is nothing at home to eat. I am so lazy to go down and grab something because I had to go and make myself up . So I choose to lie down and be just fustrated and agiated over my hunger. Hungry man is always a angry man. Thankfully , my mum bought some food back.

Then in the afternoon , we were all in the room , watching some documentry that my dad had filmed. Just as we were watching , we heard a loud shout outside our flat. We went to look , a couple was having a quarrel and the man had threw his handphone and banged his head into the concerete wall. It somehow reminded me in how at times , we do not know how to control our emotions and we act so much in impulse that we find everything so meaningless. We disregard the time we invested on it and just do things in so rash and in impluse that it shows that it is so meaningless. It somehow thought me to be still and reflect when emotions and impulsive thoughts were to come.

Okies , I think I have not blogged any entry about my work in the Kumon for the past few weeks. I enjoy working at kumon especially when the kids are really adorable; and good and diligient in their work. But I get really agiated with kids who are easily distracted and they disturb the other kids , because she/he makes things so difficult that i will be have to be harsh with them . I do not hope to be harsh with kids because kids usually forms impression quite fast and they will not let go to fast because they ain't mature enough to comprehend and reason for the teachers' actions. So sometimes when I need to be harsh , i know the kid is not going to be liking me but going to dread everytime i take him or her. It is difficult beacuse I am ought to disclipline them and i can't just ignore them . So sometimes i wish I do not have to take them but another teacher will take them but i guess everyone feels the same. I find loving is really difficult. I pray for myself to bearing the fruit of love in my life .

threw her kisses ;11:50 PM

Another day of thanksgiving .

threw her kisses ;11:02 PM

The day wasn't screwed up as I expected it to be. I had managed to go and see her in regards to the AU programme and she just excused me because my name wasn't reflected in her absentity list ; so she thought I had been going for the programme. So since I did not go for any for the sessions , she decided to let me go with any punishment. Quite thankful. I did not get any scolding from her but just a reminder of my own action and responsibilty towards the AU programme. I told her that I understood , it was my own loss. She was glad I understood and she wanted me to take the March holidays to do revision. I will commit my March Hols for intensive revision.

School was little slack today especially with me lacking behind in assignments and tutorials ; and me forgetting to bring file for submission and lecture notes for lesson. It was day of complete forgetfulness and unpreparedness. I will need to be watchful for this day not to have a repeat beacuse it made feel so lousy and in fear of guilt over my irresponsibilty towards my studies.

After school , I met up with Nad in Clementi Macs. I intially intended to pass her rechargeable batteries , but i stayed on a little longer , caught with her alittle. Hopefully , we will be meeting soon with the rest of our friends. After meeting with her , I went to meet my CD at the macs itself , she intially wanted to meet me up and wanted to know how was my QT coming along , as we now have moved on into Module 2 and how has the truth we have learned in Module 1 have been very much praticalised and applied in my daily walk. I was glad I was able to share truthfully , there are times I really enjoy and times I have no appettie for God's truth. So as I share my struggles , I know that I will be very much supported in prayer over my struggles and somehow I also brought myself to share to her about my struggle in my QCP and with fellow siblings as now , we are in Module 2 , and in the issue of Ministry of Love . I had good time of sharing and I was also challenged to consider the Ministry of Love very seriously and how I can bring God's truth into my QCP and also to my fellow siblings. I felt very encouraged. I thank God for making the meeting with my CD so fruitful and for the time of fellowship. It was good and I knew I felt God presence.

Just as we were sharing , we were also concerned about our sister whose dad had recently passed away. The whole experience has brought us to understand the hope we have in the Lord. And , my CD showed me a psalm that she was reminded through this whole experience. The psalm did make me ponder and made me still to think.

I said, "I will watch my ways
and keep my tongue from sin;
I will put a muzzle on my mouth
as long as the wicked are in my presence."
2 But when I was silent and still,
not even saying anything good,
my anguish increased.
3 My heart grew hot within me,
and as I meditated, the fire burned;
then I spoke with my tongue:
4 "Show me, O LORD, my life's end
and the number of my days;
let me know how fleeting is my life.
5 You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Each man's life is but a breath. Selah
6 Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro:
He bustles about, but only in vain;
he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it.
7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for?
My hope is in you.
8 Save me from all my transgressions;
do not make me the scorn of fools.
9 I was silent; I would not open my mouth,
for you are the one who has done this.
10 Remove your scourge from me;
I am overcome by the blow of your hand.
11 You rebuke and discipline men for their sin;
you consume their wealth like a moth—
each man is but a breath. Selah
12 "Hear my prayer, O LORD,
listen to my cry for help;
be not deaf to my weeping.
For I dwell with you as an alien,
a stranger, as all my fathers were.
13 Look away from me, that I may rejoice again
before I depart and am no more."

I personally feel God is really good to me and so to the family of my sister , as I can feel how God is working in their lives of my sister's family even in their loss ; in how God comforts the family and providing the strength to the family members in their grief and how the family encourages fellow siblings to have hope in the Lord even through this period of time . The Work of God is indeed Marvellous. Praise God.

threw her kisses ;10:56 PM

Damn .I am so screwed. That’s for sure. I have not attended any single AU lessons and now I am expected to submit AU homework. I have no excuse to tell her . It just shows the irresponsibility of me. Shucks! I can’t help it. I am such a procasinator and now I am not able to finish any of the questions. I just have to face the music. But it so unfair if she will have to send me for detention or suspension , because the AU program was in voluntary basis. Shucks! Hopefully. She will just cancel me out of the program because I had not attend any single sessions. Hiaz.

threw her kisses ;11:58 PM

Today , morning , I had gone to the poly to do my appealing into ECH. The whole appealing process was so messy. I was quite frustrated and annoyed. Some more, the form was kind of complicated in filling up as I needed to fill the column in the Institution I am posted to in the JAE 2006. I was not posted to any but I am already in an Institution. So it was kind of annoying, I had to find administrative staff to clarify the column and then many will not sure, so I was asked to go here and there . Till, it was so chaotic. Then finally one just say , fill in as posted to an institution under JAE 2004 and unposted under JAE 2006. Somehow , my hope has vanished in entering the poly. I guess I am fated to complete my A level studies. I better be focusing on my studies. Moreover , the cutoff pt is 15 and my point is 16. So my chances seems really slim . So I do not know if I should be waiting on it or just move on in my year 2 ?I will for now move on in my year 2 and let the results of posting come in its time.

Today morning as I was getting out of bed , I saw my handphone recorded a missed call. I called the missed call . It was my friend , she was weeping so badly that I could not figure what she was trying to say . She broke the news that her dad had passed away , I was taken aback. It was indeed a rude shock , because her dad wasn’t sick or any sort and the sudden death really puzzled me. She must be feeling really terrible. All I can do is pray for her and family for healing . It brought me to think of my own family , I won’t be able to part my family especially when we are closely knitted . It is going to be difficult but we still have to move on . I am glad for myself and her that we both have a God , who is far greater and we can be sure he will deliver us through this time. He will mould us to be stronger and to be a strength of pillar and support to our loved ones at home. Praise God.

threw her kisses ;2:30 PM

Yay! I have changed my blog layout. I'm lovin it... I took quite some time to settle on it though .. it was pretty difficult searching for a layout especially when all the layouts submitted are almost the same in blogskin. I had to search for sometime before i found this. I think it looks pretty fine . <3 Loves <3

Oh yeah! I think I should be starting on my Villa Wellness training soon. I have asked my whole family to be involved. We are going to be disclipline to work out in alternate days in the evening. We should start small and later part increase the intensity. Going to be disclipine. Starting tml evening. Cheer me on people!

Tml have to make trip dwn to Nee Ann Poly For the Mass Appeal Exercise. Hopefully, things will turn out well. Prays Hard. Goodnyte.

threw her kisses ;11:44 PM

It was so terrible. I had to drag myself because I felt I had no choice but to go. I couldn't cook up any excuse to excuse myself from the QCP out - outing. I so dreaded going for it. I somehow pychoed myself to go for it having it mind , maybe I will just leave early afterall. So I went for my foundation. In foundation , we have now moved onto MOL. The very first time , I found this very difficult especially when I have been very judgmental over one another and I found it difficult to love another. But then , I feel God is moulding me. I struggle . I find it so superficial and fake when I do not display genuine care and concern and so do the others. I do not understand why we should face up with this facade? Can we just be what we are ? I guess not . Unity will be in discord . I do not know. I feel quite irritated and fustrated. I will leave it for now.
After foundation , met up with the rest and left for ECP. I somehow have lost the closness to my qcp. I rather withdraw from the whole idea of QCP and the fellowship with others. I am struggling to enjoy a time with the rest. I feel so much withdrawn that I sometimes find my walk is getting stumbled beacuse of the many judgemental thoughts I have in me. But i never be open to share beacuse they will never be able to understand. They are so structured . For instance , I simply made a comment I dislike things to be structured and then she was quick to say God has plans and his plans falls into structure. But somehow , the structure of man is simply demanding. I rather wait on the plans of God and not in the structure of Man. Man have already messed up the whole plan , so can man simply learn to wait and not try to interfere into the plans of God. I annoyed over this whole structure. Okies back, supposedly yesterday , we were suppose to having a good time as a QCP with friends , but somehow everyone seemed to be little distracted over some things. Noone seemed to be in observant to the situation. Everyone seemed not present , everything was a mess. I couldn't care much and just sit around watching the whole flow. The whole thing was a fking mess. So messy till you do not know what to do that you consider ignorance is a bliss. Im sorry. I think for future QCP out , I shall cook up some excuse , and make my absence , all beacuse i find no pleasure in coming as a QCP , it is not edifying but breaking me.

threw her kisses ;2:18 PM

All I know and experience is the BIG WORLD OF UNCERTAINITY. I am so fearful that the whole fear engulfs me . I feel totally directionless and lost . Why did I have to step into this world and why as a human. And not some creatures / insects ;I will be better of atleast. I need not run the race of life that is so meaningless. Shucks. I hate everything and everyone, beacuse everyone have become my competitor. Life really sucks to the core. Why did the early man set the standards so high? Why did man want liberation ? And now , see what it caused a poor depressed soul like mine.

threw her kisses ;10:01 AM

POSTING RESULTS IS OUT

The very BIG WORD WAS UNSUCESSFUL. As, I saw the word appear on the screen. I was so taken aback but I was able to accept it and I just closed the screen. I was quick to ask , why? Just why? I thought I told you how much I wanted and yet You din’t give me. I kind of disappointed . But the feeling did not stay for long. I felt irritated and angry . I wanted to ask You again. I felt so hard to simply obey. I wanted another try . And I am serious about asking You for another try. I left school for home. Left home for the Polytechnic . Then only leaving the polytechnic and only hoping to return on March 6 for the Mass Appeal Exercise. I really hope You may reconsider my appeal to the Polytechnic.

I do not want to talk anymore about it. I am going to keep quiet about this whole process till it ends. Ciao.

threw her kisses ;6:44 PM

Tommorrow is the day , I have been waiting for in weeks since the year started. I'm really sorry to those who had been hearing me say how much I want the switch . I know I must have such a pain and nuisance . I am feeling insecure and I need much assurance. But then the assurance doesn't do much wonder neither because the results hold the answer to my security. I shall patiently wait for hours to tick away and results to come. I shall remain compose and shan't bother you guys. I shall indulge in intense praying and sleep . So time will not stand but will be drawn closer.

threw her kisses ;9:36 PM

Wrong Movie . Wrong Partner. Wrong Seat. Best motive friends <3

Today , damn sad la. Can u imagine how terrible I must be feeling? I was at my worst today. I teared this morning. Wondering why? It all started with a innocent statement from my mum :

Mum: Today getting back MT results ryte?

Me: Yups

Dad who happened to be around and overhead the conversation interrupted.

Dad: You should know how you did, you need not wait for release for results.

He was directly saying I sure have done pretty badly.

Me: Yups, I know. I will pass. (Defending myself)

But somehow I can’t seem to digest his comment. I felt so hurt. In the so little trust and hope he had. I do not expect him to expect high grades from me. But at least have the trust and hope in me. I can’t be so bad la that you have to think I am so hopeless. I was damn upset. I couldn’t bring myself to take his comments. And especially from my family. I was tearing at the very thought of his comment. My mind kept racing back to his comment. It made feel so small and useless and hopeless. I was tearing throughout journey to school and even during the first few periods before I can somewhat calm myself. Even now as I type, I am tearing.

Anyway thank you, Sam for listening to me! I knew you do not know what to say or cheer me up. But ya presence and listening ears did some wonder. I m feeling slightly better.

Okies, I got my MT results. I did not do fantastically well. But I managed to get a decent grade. I passed my paper. I got a C6 for the written paper and a merit for my Oral. I think it is considerably a good grade because I know I had not really worked on my Tamil and my Tamil is not great neither. So I will praise God for his deliverance. Thank you God!

My meeting with my CD was cancelled due to her change in schedule. So I decided to accompany Sammie to the movie. Yups. We watched “ My Girl & I” . The movie is so-so. But it was good. It moved me. Quite touching. I teared . Their love was so sweet.

Then later, accompanied her to Sim Square to get her Ipod Nano. Yay ! She finally bought her Ipod Nano. I happy for her. She happy for me. Friends <3 . Then , went Bugis village to look around. I saw her jacket. I like her jacket. I was so going to buy her jacket. Thankfully, I took a moment. I din buy after all. But she will lend me her jacket. Sweet ah? Thank you , sam! Luv yas!

Oh yeah! I have pre-ordered the latest Havaianas Sandals . It is going to cost me $39.90. I can’t wait for the shipment to arrive.

Good nyte.

threw her kisses ;9:26 PM