I'll still believe

Oh dear! I am so excited. My darling just asked me for a trip. I can’t believe it. My mum agreed after awhile of pleading. I have to start saving for it now. June 3, 4 and 5. Quality time with my darling , shalu. I can’t wait for it. It’s like in a month’s time. *Smiles*

Random:

I really love guys who do not look down at us because we are girls. I like it when they make you feel like guys when they know you ain’t. They do it so secretively that you feel a sense of accomplishment that you, girl match up to a guy. I have to admit girls are weaker physically to guys. But we are never weak if we make up our mindset and push ourselves . But that’s beyond our own physical strength. It takes effort. Guys do it effortlessly but we need to make extra effort. But I am sure over a period of time, we will become like them. A little contradicting. But it’s the truth. Okies. I love guys who make us girls feel great.

threw her kisses ;11:58 PM

It is so meaningless
can't even fathom a single action
don't have control over the emotions
there is this self-delusion of reality
having reign over all the mystery
but suddenly it manifests
and becomes so meaningless

Trapped in this labyrinth
with nothing but hope
which itself is an illusion
creating faith in this deception
only one thing is done
reacting to the temptations
but it does manifest
and becomes so meaningless

Lots of ties and bonds
enough to force you to play along
then there is this so called feeling
of you becoming strong
but at the end, it will manifest
and everything will become meaningless

Author : Unknown

The poem clearly expresses my current and present view of my life.

threw her kisses ;6:52 PM

Time is really short and I got plenty of things to do. Firstly , I need to somewhat psycho myself to really sit down and study. I keep on getting off my seat and enaging in little talks that eventually become hours. Oh dear! I am really useless la. I need to go really somewhere deserted. Just me alone with no distractions. Maybe it will be some good to me. But then I have stupid excuses that people will miss me. Actually I guess no one misses me but just me missing them. Boo! Anyway, if these people genuinely miss me, sure they want me to be doing well . So they won’t mind me missing for a good reason. I really want to do well for my mid years. I want to clear all my subjects . I do not even want to dream of settling for an AO pass but grades that are worth and deserving. All the repeated failures have done enough harm to me. It is really time I want to breath the good air of success. But it is not going to be easy. I am going to do whatever it takes. I find myself every time ranting I need to be discipline and all . Don’t be irritated with that statement because that is the real problem with me. I lack the motivation, the drive force and whatever shit it takes to be disclipline. Even all the importance of it doesn’t struck me. But I know it is all in the mind. And I am going to try. I need to be psycho-ed that studying is the most fun thing that I ever can have and it is non-exchangeable besides my eternal things.

threw her kisses ;9:31 PM

Meaningless Pursuit

FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN.

threw her kisses ;11:34 PM

I ‘m so happy. I had officially stepped into the grounds of SRJC. I always wanted to go into the school ground but there were never any opportunity and the goon never invited me into his school for some reason. I know why though. So today was the only chance I felt I had into entering the grounds. My school had a tennis match against theirs today. Details of the match : we won one single and lost the doubles. Our loss is pretty bad. But I guess it is all about sportsmanship. Yeah. Coming back , so this morning I was pestering people to accompany me . But no one was free. So I was only left with the choice of going there myself and joining ah pat there as she going there first with the school team. I was little hesistant . But then , I really wanted to go and so I msged one of fren there and she said she will accompany me to the school from Kovan. But , she pangsehed me , she told me she wanted to shop around Kovan and wasn’t returning back school as promised . So I was left alone to go . I was still hesitating . I was all there already and I feel insecure and inferior in stepping the school grounds. I wanted to msg him and ask him to meet me and go elsewhere. But then , I will be pangsehing ah pat because I promised to watch her match. I called ah pat and she walked me into the school compound. It did not feel bad at all . Everyone seemed concerned of their own stuff and just walked past. Only the insecure and inferior me kept looking around. We walked into the canteen . Just as I dumped my bag , I heard my name shouted across the canteen , it was Edward. Phew! Someone just recognized me. Somehow , I felt little at ease by then. Then I smsed asking the goon where he was ? Thankfully, he was still around. I mentioned to him , I was near the tennis court and he said he was busy with tutorials . And I thought I won’t be able to meet him because he was busy and I did not know how to get round his school and I did not want to bother ah pat to help me find the venue , because she need to get ready for her match. Just then , he popped by . It was sweet . But I guess it was little weird because as I was talking to him , there were too many stares. I felt uncomfortable and I guess he felt likewise also. At the time , I was helping the tennis girls film the match and he stood around for awhile with me. The stares were growing. I guess meeting him in school ground is bad. But , nevertheless , the few moments were great and simply sweet. I’m lovin today all because I was in his school grounds. I love him. Special thanks to tennis team & ah pat.

threw her kisses ;5:16 AM

I do not know how many will miss me? But I know some will but time will heal them. Life is all about moving on and transition. A meaningless life and its pursuit.

threw her kisses ;11:11 PM

Damn. Today , I din't go to school. But toothache is getting worse by the day. The pain is really killing. Sharp pain. Really sharp . I supposedly to go and see a dentist today. And guess what? I was not not allowed to see a dentist because they operate strictly by appointment. Wtf ryte? If i am seriously in pain and i can't see the dentist at the moment. What is the point? I can't predict when i need the dentist and book my appointment. It is really nonsense sia. Can't they simply understand the situtation and just attend to me. Damn. They follow strictly by regulations so I have to book my appointment . I got to wait in pain for another 3 days . I likely to be dependent on panadol to subside my pain and indulge in sleep to forget the presence of pain for the next few days before i get to visit the dentist. I am going to raise the question over the nonsensical appointment policy with the dentist when I get to visit him .Arghhhhhh............... I am still in pain .

threw her kisses ;6:50 PM

I have not started studying just yet . I am planning to get it done. But somehow i can't seem to be settled to the time-table i worked out. The schedule is so tight and it freaks me out . Maybe my planning of time is really scary. Gosh! Maybe I just do it my way . Go by the feeling but if thats the case I will be way way behind my revision schedule as very likely i am ought to do subjects i am comfortable with . Hiaz. Need to be disclipline. I got to be no matter what. Sighz.

Now , I really want to own a ipod nano. I have being pestering my parents for one . Hopefully , they will give in to my pestering and get me one. I need music to live a sane life . Hahahaha. Little nonsense here. Who cares?

Lately , I have been feeling rather lovey-dovey or romantically high , i do not know how to express the feeling. But just i feel so loved and loving. It is just a feeling . I am in my own fantasy of love . I keep on thinking of places I want to spend with the special person and I keep going back to places where we walked to together before just to recollect the memories. After journey , i somehow feel really down in knowing in how far we have walked out of each other's lives . I really miss the time with him. I really hope he feels the same. I love the feeling to be reciporated . Atleast I won't feel the hurt but rather joy.

Oh yeah , in regards to the camp in June. I am not sure if i will be going because my mother have strongly said a no-no to the camp and plus she wants me to give really good ten reasons in going for the camp; which I am not able to give because deep down I am not prepared for the camp itself. I am also indecisive in going for the camp. Firstly, it is going to cost me $200 . It is quite a huge sum esp when I have to use my own savings to pay. And plus , I got many things I need to buy and the sum can be used for paying for those things. So I am indecisive in the way i want to spend my money. I know I will have fun and enjoy 3 days . But it will be gone in 3 days . Poof ! Just lyke that . If i happen to buy something , the thing will sure to last for sometime longer than 3 days and I will have the thing whilst the 3 days will be just experience . I know experience is invaluable but 200 is just too much for it . hiaz ... I am not sure. Secondly , I am not really comfortable with the people , I am travelling , because sometimes I can't just tolerate them . Yups. So I dunnoe. Thirdly , he will be going ! I want to go because he is going . But reason is so invalid. I might be able to see him but i guess we will not get to spend alot of time because there is grouping and unlikely i am in his group because I was never in his group . Forever splitted. . Hmmmm... I guess i am unlikely to go la , mid yr is like 2 weeks around the corner by then. Yups . I am still unsure. This is just my thoughts. Let's see how things go ...... Sighz.

threw her kisses ;6:05 PM

Today , I had accompanied my sister to go and rebond her hair at Bishan . Now , her hair is all straight. Little envious , though my mine is straight also. I just can’t be satisfied . Booo. I spent almost 4 + hours in the saloon with her and my mum and I was talking with the hairdresser . Asking stupid question like “ Are you not bored with just cutting and snipping people’s hair?” Just to bored and be being so curious and nosey . Hahahaha. Later , left for J8 for little shopping spree. I pierced my third hole in my ears . Recently , I got a thing for piercing . I feel little addicted to the sudden shot of pain . It gives a thrill of fun.

Picture of recent piercing on my ear

threw her kisses ;9:43 PM

I am feeling freaking tired . Oh my! My toothaches... Ouch. Unbearable pain. The pain is making me really mood out and agitated . Okies , back to today's entry . As usual , went for fdn and attend yf . Somwhow today during Yf , i was still feeling little lousy but not for long though. I felt like crying but somehow i controlled. I managed to keep my tears and emotions away. I joined the rest for dinner and later left to join my family and aunt at Tampines. I bought some clips and a stud. I have a thing for strikey clips. But somehow , the thing is the in - thing for low sec students and i have a liking for it. People please do not mistake me for me not acting up my age. I like fanciful and bright- colored things. I like to be seen and spotted. Hehehe

threw her kisses ;11:08 PM

Today , it was damn funny and happening on my journey to Good Friday Svc. It started raining when i left home but i just refused to carry out an umbrella hoping the rain will stop and i will sheltered. But the rain did not stop. Suz had umbrella on her and so she decicded to share the umbrella with me. So we walked out sharing the umbrella , just as we were walking out , the umbrella was blown by the strong gush of wind , and the umbrella got inverted ; collecting water. So we were all wet . Especially me , I was all drenched when I reached the entrance. I was dressed pretty well but now it doesn't matter because i was all wet. Yf lent me her jacket as she told me it will be cold to sit thru in my wet clothes. So sweet of her. Now , who knows , my skirt colour runs and there were some pink patches on her jacket. Oh dear ! I felt so bad and walked up to her and explained . She took it so lightly but thankfully , the stain is not bad also. But still , there is stain. I offered to wash the jacket and return . So hopefully my mum can do a good job in removing the stain. *Prays* . I found this whole incident so funny . Something out of ordinary day.

Oh yeah . Returned home and sat infront of the square telly; watched the holiday movie . Somewhat later , i began to have a strange feeling. So much of sadness and unhappiness. I lied in bed hoping to sleep . But somehow I couldn't sleep. I felt like crying. But i couldn't . I felt so helpless. I just sat infront of the com , and started searching for the song, i wanted to replay forever. I just recollected every memory , i had with the someone. I really miss the someone. Things can never be the same even i walk in the memories of the past . It is always alone . I miss the feeling of being with the someone. Hiaz.

Wishing all my friends who are celebrating tamil new year " Puthanndu Vazthugal" and "Happy Easter" to all believers.

threw her kisses ;9:13 AM

Today, was CIP day, which means no lessons. Woots. A great joy for the long weekend.. Less than 2hrs in the home, and I am off to Town to meet my darling, goofy goobers. I love my goofy goobers. It so much fun and laughter with them. Damn. Boss wants me to a more lady-like. She wanted me to learn to become more lady-like, dress in high heels, have my hairs straight and dress poise, carrying shoulder bag. Wah lao. So much demanding. I told her I ain’t girl and I dun wish to be one. It was the greatest joke and I maintained it, so she will stop bothering me with high heels and all her demands to change me to girl –girl. Then , they broke a joke about me wearing my wedding gown with trainers , so I can be the runaway bride. Damn funny in the way , they say me . Looks like, I am really prone to suan-ing . Healthy suan-ing is good but not adverse suan-ing. So walked around far east and headed to Heeren . Walked over to new urban male , I still can’t find my havianans . I am getting disappointed. Booo. Took neoprints. The highlight of our every gathering. Then , sam and me went to watch the Art of seduction , the rest continued on their shopping while me and sam enjoyed the art of seduction. The movie had no plot but it was a good reliever for laughter. Laughed a lot . Oh yeah . I scared a guy in the theatre , once the movie ended , I was picking something on the ground , the guy infront of me turned behind , my hair was dropped all over my face . He was so shocked and he just stared and turned front. And then awhile, he turned back asking to pick up his handphone which dropped behind his seat. Hahaha. I love my movie-partner . Then , went over Hereen to get my clips and stud. Then bussed down TBP and trained down home. I was too tired to go down tampines. Maybe I shall tomorrow. It was a long long day .

threw her kisses ;11:47 PM

Hi , people! I am back. Though I have been saying that I will be staying away from the com. It seems little impossible, maybe one shot might be little difficult. I guess I need to take baby steps to refrain from the computer. Hopefully, a day comes when I can fully not use the computer and purely concentrate. Okies, Monday was trying my best to stick to the study plan I drew up to follow. I was half past to following my study plan. Just then the temptations to use the com hit me. I did not give in to the temptations but I rather I gave in to another square monster , the television. Okies , that was for Monday . Then Tuesday , the day was so slack and it was raining. I was in no mood for studying but totally slack and shack. The bed was calling . On Tuesday , had to stay behind in school for our class debates . The motion of the debate was “ The house believes that the private lives of the public figures should be kept private”. I personally believe any individual should have the fundamental personal space , that is the very basis of human rights though many public figured have sub-consciously signed onto “ social contract” but we also ought to give them the very privilege of personal space. Its is just humane.

So as I had concluded Tuesday was totally slack and shack , and so was I. So I just lie around in my house and idled my time away and I came to visit my friend , my computer. Hehehehe. Then , Wednesday sets in. Okies , today was PE. I am totally dreading PE. I simply hate running . It is not really hate but somehow I dread it. I keep on using the guys’ as a benchmark and everytime I keep failing. Fustrating. I can’t keep pace to guys . They are really too good or am I giving up to easily? Cannot be god created man to be faster than girls. God can’t be bias in his creation. I never thought it was true , all these while I thought man were the ones wanted to feel superior . Hence , they sterotype. Maybe its true . I doubt. Hiaz. I keep training with them till I shall just exhaust . But it is fun with them. They can multi-task , run fast and talk. Most girls can’t . I love those accompany. Sorry, girls! I have seen my fair share of girls refusing to talk and ask me to shuddup while running. So I am simply speaking from my experience. Its fun to do PE with guys. Woots…. I am now plugged to my com . And I am on the phone. I’m loving every moment.

threw her kisses ;10:44 PM

The rules:
Bold the statements that are true to you
Italise the statements that you WISH are true
leave the Fibs alone
Then, stab 5 guys to do the same test.
I miss somebody right now.
I dont watch TV these days.
I own lots of books.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games.
I've tried marijuana
I have been in a threesome.
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes.
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I'm TOTALLY smart.
I've broken someone's bones.
I'm paranoid at sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really,really fast.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
I like the way i look.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.
I have a lot of friends.
I am currently single!
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
Enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop then eat.
I don't hate anyone.
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before.
I have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger
I am shy around the opposite sex.
I have tried alcohol before.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
I own the "South Park" movie.
I would die for my best friends.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and i like it.
I have dated a close friends's ex.
I am happy at this moment!!
I'm obsessed with guys.
Democrat.I am punk rockish. (black metal!!!)
I am preppy.
I study for tests most of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I can work on a car.
I love my job.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever i can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
Plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.
I went college out of state.
I like sausage.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people.
I adore bright colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I don't know why the hell i just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I've ever written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I wear a toe ring.
I have a tattoo.

threw her kisses ;6:41 PM

I just returned home after accompanying my sis for a haircut. While at the saloon, my mum made a comment about the hairdresser in Tamil asking me to observe the hairdresser and I was like “oh, she is a male!” ( comment made in tamil) . I guess the hairdresser , understood what I said. I saw her reaction change immediately and her hands went snipping my sis hair so fast and I was worried that she might just cut away my sis hair anyhow and she really used so much force and strength in pinning the clips into my sis hair. I could sense the pain. Her total facial expression changed . I was worried that she will just snap at us and I was quickly searching my head for ways to counter her if she will to snap at us. Thankfully , nothing like that happened. But , my poor sis had a nightmare hairdresser and the hairdresser really got some attitude.

Okies , I admit that we were insensitive with our comments but sometimes it so natural to comment when things are out of normal. But , we only stooped at the comment that she was a male and did not engage in further comments. It is indeed quite worrying when sometimes people fail to be sensitive to a particular group of people. We know they are human beings also and they also seek the same acceptance from the public. But , sometimes we are quick to look at the flaws , its human nature. I’m sorry for the insensitive comment. But I also hope this group of people will also have the capability to understand their condition in the society, because many people ain’t exposed to this culture and only recently , acceptance is building in the society . In future , I will be extra conscious and aware of my comments .

threw her kisses ;3:45 PM

Finally, today, I felt good about going back and joining the others for worship. It was really wow. We had a good time making joyful noise. It was really loud to the extreme. I loved today’s worship . We just sang and clapped joyful noises .

Today , he was also funny la. He dropped right infront of me or rather rolled infront of me. I was taken much by surprise , because he was rather a distant away and then a moment he was so near me. He greeted me . He surely finds joy and pleasure calling my name and disturbing me. I really love him to bits la. He always makes me smile and his antics I can be amused. I love him and miss him.

Damn. My nose stud popped out from my nose this morning and I had great difficulty in pushing it into the hole. Damn. I am not sure if it really went thru the hole but it looks normal but I keep thinking it’s not in place. I am getting really frustrated. I will just pull it all out and let it recover and pierce another time. Damn. But I do not want to do it another time. I consider it waste of money and time. Time because I have to travel to the place to get it pierced. Hopefully, it will feel normal tomorrow and I won’t be freaking on its position.

Just as I was blogging I remembered on my foundation homework . I better be doing it now. Before , I forget on the issues discussed today. We are moving on to daily perspective. Its the make it or break it ;critical session. Last issue of module 2 . Module 2 is really fast but many important truths and issues discussed and learnt. Need to revise and capture the key truths learnt .

The coming week is Good Friday. How am I going to remember Good Friday ? Take it as a holiday or holy day?

threw her kisses ;10:36 PM

I am so in love with HIPS DON’T LIE. The song makes me really groove and dance . Okies. Song is replayed and replayed in my head and in my player. Damn good. It makes me dance. * Shakes and dances*

threw her kisses ;10:04 AM

I just returned home. Today was my worst class ever I took . I was really worked up by a little devil . He was really so hard to control . He was distracting other students and I was completely busy , and I had no time to entertain his antics . He really puts me off and when he is told off , he argues. And shows attitude. Goodness. I had little tolerance from him and I really lose my temper. I never been so harsh and strict with a child but he was really an exceptional. He not only disrupted his peers and he also disrupted me. He really lacks the conduct . I really want to keep him away from my future classes. It was really my worse class with students breaking down and rushing to complete class work because of the level of difficulty and the devil , who keeps me watching over him and getting myself angry over his actions. Sigh. Painful and torturous 2 hours.

threw her kisses ;10:29 PM

Common test results are damn screwed. I feel so lousy and shitty. Though I know i had not started studying earlier but somehow I feel so disappointed . My toto-chan is disappointed and i really look up to her , and now i feel so bad . I have disppointed her and i have promised her i will get back at my mid-yr. She really wants me to show it to her . I must. 91 days to mid- year. Damn. Need to work out a study plan by this week and start working on it. Got to get it done fast and need to study smart and effectively. Need a breakthrough for mid-yr for my self-esteem.

Back at school , my friends are facing some friendship crisis . Hopefully , this friendship crisis will only bond us closer . Praying for peace and love in our friendship . I love you guys!

threw her kisses ;10:56 PM

I am back to blog again. I miss blogging . This morning , i was called up by the DM , because of my untied hair during assembly. He was like assembly is a formal event and you need to report approriately to assembly. Point noted. Plus , nowdays , school is harping on our skirt length . The skirt lenght should be in knee length if not will be sent back home . The reason offered short skirts equate to grades crashing. I do not view the logic and reasoning.School is now very much functioning as a primary school where attire is a real big issue and problem. Do not know if its good or not? I seriously hope such disclipinary actions are channelled into something of much productive . How about much focus on academic matters which needs urgent attention? I agree we need to deal with the disclipinary actions as we need the right headstart and attitude to excel . But this whole disclipinary thingy is straining . Enough said.

Okies , today went and had lunch with Sam in Macs and talked with her . The girl is really stressed and she has no idea where to start and she feels pressurized when others around her are performing. I feel the same concern . We are both in the same journey but we are ought to do something.And something is to be discliplined and really start now . No excuses and no distractions .But simply focus on what's best for us. I am going to set an example and we are going to help one another. we will show what we can be ! Noone can tell us what we will be but we will tell , our own worth. Yeah! So start be dilligent and consistent. Perserve and sure we can. Dun let this be just words of encouragement but our mark. Love ya <3.

Later, went out for outreach , had a good time sharing , met some of my juniors and i see myself growing in sharing . Delights =).

Hahaha , later went over Shalu's hse to meet her and go tbp to get my nose pierced. It was no pain but just a sting of pain when it was just done. it recovered pretty fast. People do comment how it looks okay? Hehehhe. Thank you , darling to accompany me and allowing me to store my barang barang in your house , and also for lenting me DVDs/ VCDs to help me preoccupy myself. loves<3

I am so tired now and I am now going to rest and later draft out a study plan to seriously start studying . Oh yeah! I finally gotten my appeal result : Application is unsuccessful . I will take it as I am a material of A level and really work my ass and make it University ( National University Of Singapore). My target and goal.

threw her kisses ;8:40 PM

Yay ! Today Met with the Goofy Gobbers ! Pics and more pics .... Laughter and more laughter.... Gossip and more gossip .. Total yayness.... I love group hangouts. Its really wild. Thank you for the belated birthday celebration and the lovely gift . I love the gift . Thank you, guys!

threw her kisses ;8:57 PM

A little add on to the thurs post. I did blog it down but somehow the part just went missing. After my hangout with ShaLu . I met Boss and Sam at Heeren . Later Sam accompanied me to catch Ultraviolet. The movie was little hard to understand as the england in the movie was little cheem and the story plot not being very obvious. But somehow I concluded and reviewed the story to a powerpuff movie.I loved the action-filled scenes in the movie though. More movie dates together , okies?

threw her kisses ;6:29 PM