I'll still believe

If you guys are wondering if I am troubled or something is uniquely strange in me? Hell yes! I am troubled and burdened over the many things that are coming crashing at me at one go. I am really struggling to handle it at one go. I feel my self-sufficient self is not able and yet I am also struggling to exercise faith. It has dawned upon me that my faith is mere head knowledge rather than I being able to practice it through trust and obedience. I keep on disregarding the practice of faith, even though many have said pray in regards to it and speak about it. I find it difficult and I am impatient. I can’t wait for things to happen so I disregard faith and move according to my self-sufficient self. Even then, I am not able. I feel so lousy and shitty. I am struggling within my self.

In school, I ain’t coping well. I am lacking the motivation to study. Even though, I know how difficult it was for me to get a place there and now knowing I letting it slip past me. It hurts. It is not that I dun want to do anything, I am trying. It is just that my determination is so low and the motivation isn’t there. Repeated failures are making matters worse. I am getting tired and I am giving up to easily. This attitude is ever present even in my daily assignments. I try. I understand. I stare. I flip. I jot down. I erase. I give up. I pack. I feel lousy. I hate this feeling. But I give up ever so easily. Promo is away in another 18 days. I am yet to even start revision. This is freaking scary. I am walking towards my own doomsday! I know there is no point lamenting but I ought to grab hold of my remaining time and working it out and sweat it out. But I am lacking the motivation to study. I am giving up to easily on myself and I am compromising ever easily with my crenel self. What is happening????? I have no idea. I am struggling in my studies because of my attitude. I dread it man. Pull me out of this shitty attitude please …

In regards to my friends, I do not why I am even worrying about them. I guess I have given them a significant spot in my life. So it matters to me. Maybe it doesn’t to them. But it does to me. You may have become my friends due to circumstances and situations, motives and all. I dun care. I dun give a damn in what reason you are my friend. You are my friend as a friend, I stand by you. But do not expect me to stand by you for things I dun encourage in. But I will be there for you to speak about your struggles against the actions but not FOR. Maybe like you said, I dun understand. Guess, its true. I dun understand. I think for now, I will just leave you alone but I want you to know I will be there for you, as a friend. If you choose to hold it against me. It’s okay with me also. I guess over the years, I hadn’t really made many good friends who really last me through the years. There are only few exceptional ones who have lasted and I really value their friendship and I am grateful to them. There are some I expected to be with me through the end, but somehow we have dropped out. This is the race of friendship.

In my family, there has always being a problem. But now only I start to feel the pinch of the problem. I am not asking anything and I dun want to ask neither. But somehow I feel short-changed. I guess I will have to act maturely and understand instead of looking at it in such a manner. In addition, both my ailing grandparents are also worrying me. You guys, may ask me, you never spoke anything good about them. The last time, I heard you were complaining about them. Its true. But I love them deep down in my heart. They are my family. Yeah, and now they are growing old and their health is failing them, and my uncle returns home. With his returns, my grandparents are even more burdened especially since my uncle is jobless and he gets drunk almost everyday. They still have to care and fend for him. I know how much it means to them because he is the youngest and they dote on him. I find it is really hard on my grandparents and my grandparents are really worried for him. My grandparents can’t do much neither because he acts really irresponsible and it is really hard for my grandparents. Even his sisters tried talking to him, he simply refuses to change. He keeps on going his old ways. My grandfather keeps on coming to my place very often because he feels so burdened to be in his house. He comes to my place and keeps on speaking about his son. I can feel his fatherly concern and love for his son. It is so heart breaking. I am worried for my family. Moreover, I feel I ain’t being a good daughter and sister neither. I ain’t helping much in the house. I keep on running to my sister for help. If you guys do not know, my sis is 7 yrs younger than me. I am disappointing my parents and sister.

In project work, things are getting are worse. People are simply pushing work around; all ends up to me. Everyone in-group seemed to have switch on to the mode of bochapness. Even my friend who was working with me earlier had chosen not to work on it anymore, since none is working. Lets fail together. I despise this f**king attitude and I can’t tolerate it anymore. But it is also hard on me to work on it alone especially when resources are so limited. I guess I have no choice I will have to start working on it before it gets late. Maybe I should get some things done so the others in the group will start seeing some hope in the project and start working on it. Sian. I despise PW. Hopefully, it ends soon….

In regards to him, I dunnoe what is happening already. I ain’t telling him things neither and he isn’t also. I begin to doubt him. I feel cheated because it makes me wonder if he had motive to even start it at first place. If I ever come to know, it was true. It was not worth at all.

and many more pressing issues …..

threw her kisses ;2:14 PM