I'll still believe

It was so terrible. I had to drag myself because I felt I had no choice but to go. I couldn't cook up any excuse to excuse myself from the QCP out - outing. I so dreaded going for it. I somehow pychoed myself to go for it having it mind , maybe I will just leave early afterall. So I went for my foundation. In foundation , we have now moved onto MOL. The very first time , I found this very difficult especially when I have been very judgmental over one another and I found it difficult to love another. But then , I feel God is moulding me. I struggle . I find it so superficial and fake when I do not display genuine care and concern and so do the others. I do not understand why we should face up with this facade? Can we just be what we are ? I guess not . Unity will be in discord . I do not know. I feel quite irritated and fustrated. I will leave it for now.
After foundation , met up with the rest and left for ECP. I somehow have lost the closness to my qcp. I rather withdraw from the whole idea of QCP and the fellowship with others. I am struggling to enjoy a time with the rest. I feel so much withdrawn that I sometimes find my walk is getting stumbled beacuse of the many judgemental thoughts I have in me. But i never be open to share beacuse they will never be able to understand. They are so structured . For instance , I simply made a comment I dislike things to be structured and then she was quick to say God has plans and his plans falls into structure. But somehow , the structure of man is simply demanding. I rather wait on the plans of God and not in the structure of Man. Man have already messed up the whole plan , so can man simply learn to wait and not try to interfere into the plans of God. I annoyed over this whole structure. Okies back, supposedly yesterday , we were suppose to having a good time as a QCP with friends , but somehow everyone seemed to be little distracted over some things. Noone seemed to be in observant to the situation. Everyone seemed not present , everything was a mess. I couldn't care much and just sit around watching the whole flow. The whole thing was a fking mess. So messy till you do not know what to do that you consider ignorance is a bliss. Im sorry. I think for future QCP out , I shall cook up some excuse , and make my absence , all beacuse i find no pleasure in coming as a QCP , it is not edifying but breaking me.

threw her kisses ;2:18 PM